Top 5 Toilet Moments In Gaming

I’m sure everyone is aware of the massively popular kids’ book “Everybody Poops”. Written by Charles Dickens in 1850, it tells the tale of a young orphan boy who discovers that relieving yourself is a natural part of life, but who also doesn’t understand basic hygiene and tragically dies in the end. Sorry, spoilers.

Regardless, there have been many games throughout the years which remind us of Ol’ Hot Dickens’ message; when you gotta go, you gotta go. Being the lovely chap that I am, I thought that I’d round up some of gaming’s best bathroom based moments here in a succinct little list for you. Hey, to make it even easier, lets go with a top 5.

5. Fallout 3 – Doing a Dogmeat Impression

Fallout 3 was a game of many amazing, pseudo-realistic measures. Taking too much damage meant broken bones, too much rads gave you poisoning, and drinking water gave you sustenance. So the first time you come across a toilet with a “Use” command, and you’re really low on health, it seems like a no-brainer to sup happily from the bowl. In all honesty it’s quite a clever mechanic, as it shows that during a nuclear wasteland you’ll have to go to all lengths to survive.

4. The Metal Gear Series – Johnny

The Metal Gear Solid games are filled with odd little pieces of… well, oddities. Who doesn’t remember hiding in a locker in Metal Gear Solid 2 and having Snake, er, kiss the ladies on the inside door? Even typing those words felt a little dirty. When it comes to strange little easter eggs though, Johnny takes the cake. For the uninitiated, Johnny is a character that pops up in odd locations, and is always suffering from very audible and pretty violent diarrhoea. The point of this list wasn’t to disgust, so I wont go into too much detail (that’s what YouTube is for, kids!) suffice to say listening in on Johnny in Metal Gear Solid 2 when you’re supposed to be doing something much more important is a great laugh.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkOadloo4aA[/youtube]

3. Splinter Cell: Conviction – Bathroom Interrogation

Splinter Cell Conviction was fairly underrated. Whilst not the most amazing game ever made, it certainly had a lot of fun new takes on the classic Splinter Cell mould. One of the most memorable set pieces happens early in the game, where you corner a bad dude in a toilet and use said toilet to punish him for having tight lips. On reflection, the previous sentence makes Sam Fisher sound like a sxual predator. The brutal nature with which Sam slams his unlucky new friend into sinks, urinals and doors is a brilliant set up for the rest of the game, and also just ass-kickingly exciting.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=soXVBqrVh10[/youtube]

2. Conker’s Bad Fur Day – Giant Singing Poo

There’s nothing I can say about this scene that this video can’t. (NSFW, obviously)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0w5neFPat1w[/youtube]

1. Goldeneye – Facility

Yes, it had to be. Admit it, when you started reading this article this was one of the first moments you thought of. Goldeneye on the N64 was one of the breakout hits of the console. Movie tie-ins have rarely been a good thing, but Goldeneye bucked that particular trend with what is considered one of the best console FPSs of all time. Whilst most remember it for the frantic, karate chopping, split screen action of the multiplayer, the single player was not without its moments. For instance, who can forget dropping into a toilet where several armed guards are doing their thing and blowing them all away? Who can forget that first time you try and shoot the guard having a sit down in the head, miss, and take off his hat? Goldeneye, you are the Top of the Toilets. King of the Cubicle. Lord of the Lavvy.