Walkin’ in a Digitally Downloadable Wonderland

In the age of the digitally downloadable game, the space between Christmas and New Year has me joyfully feasting on a variety of offensively affordable sale items. I feel like a goddamned King perusing Steam from the comfort of a throne constructed entirely of pressed saffron and panda semen, slathering my face with baby foreskin cream (of course it exists) and piling lines of text into my shopping basket.

My basket is full of all manner of delightful indie games. Watch them gracefully swaying in the breeze of my cursor as it moves swiftly toward the ‘ONE CLICK BUY’ button (a beautiful and terrible invention). But wait — look at this over here! A game for which Metacritic cannot contain its wild enthusiasm is available for mere pocket change! Why isn’t it already bathing my basket in its otherworldly glow? CLICK.

It also fosters an absolute acceptance and open-mindedness of which you wouldn’t otherwise be aware. Horizons are expanded in every direction through the all-inclusivity of miser-enablement. In honesty, the increasing implementation of leaderboards means I will essentially buy anything. One of my most played from last year’s Steam sale is a mess of a game called ‘Slam-It Pinball: Big Score. Chicks in police-themed lingerie moan each and every time you hit them (yes), the word ‘MONEY!’ is abrasively barked every three seconds and the balls have all apparently mustered enough strength to undergo highly improbable quantum teleportation at an alarmingly frequent rate.

The whole thing is like being dumped inside Macedonia and wowing yourself into a stupor over supermarket price tags. It’s somehow incomprehensible that things could ever be so cheap. Even now, years after the periodic sales began, I’m like a kid staring at a new bike on Christmas morning every time the new day’s sales roll over at a rate of rapid fire F5.

"Ho ho ho!" – Gabe Newell
N.B.: I think it’s important to note that I am in no way affiliated with Steam. My love for it just happens to be boundless. I like having all of my ‘eggs’ [games] nestled soundly into one ‘basket’ [avenue of digital distribution], but you’re quite welcome to focus your efforts on escaping the inviting clutches of DD monogamy. Godspeed!

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2 responses to “Walkin’ in a Digitally Downloadable Wonderland”

  1. InternetAstronaut avatar
    InternetAstronaut

    MUST… CLICK… AWAY… FROM… GABE’S… GRAVITATIONAL…PULL… AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

  2. rvrman avatar
    rvrman

    Initially popped in for the “A Postcard from Moscow” review, and ended up reading all of your reviews. Holy shit, you have some mad writing skills, dudebro. Everything you write is poetry. These reviews should be in a poetry book.

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