The Duke is Back!

Awesome Personified!

Grab your gum, grab your gun, and hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husbands because Duke’s kickin’ the crap out of everybody out here! There’s a very good chance that if you play video games already, and have the internet, that you’ve already heard the mind-blowing news that… DUKE NUKEM: FOREVER IS A THING! I real, playable, coming soon, buy for £39.99 actual game!

As you can tell, I’m pretty pumped up about the news. I grew up with the Duke, I love the Duke, and if you’re working out on your fingers how a current 22 year old was able to ‘grow up’ with Duke Nukem you’ll notice that… it just works out. I don’t remember the first time I played Duke Nukem, but do you know what I do remember? The heartbreak. The soul-crushing depression I felt when 3D Realms finally manned up and said that they were shutting their doors. I re-played the old games, made forum signatures in mourning, did everything but place a copy of Manhattan Project on a miniature raft, set it on fire and float it out to sea.

Then suddenly out of nowhere in swung Gearbox Studios wearing a ‘Borderlands’ baseball cap and a dagger clenched between its teeth proclaiming: “NO! You shall not end this way!” Before pouring a pint of Chuck Norris’ blood onto the steaming pile of Duke’s legacy that 3D Realms left behind to bring the old franchise back into the world of the awesome! Crowds cheered, the white smoke rose from the chimney and once again all was right within the Universe of masochistic, smart-talking womanisers everywhere. I squealed in glee as I texted everybody in my contacts list, even people who had never held a controller in their life – even my mother had to know of his return!

The fact of the matter was that Duke Nukem: Forever, the longest running joke in video game history, through the 12 year old pre-order slips and endless re-buffed and re-edited trailers, was finally going to be released to the general public in 2011. I wish I’d had the guts to place that bet at William Hill now and walked out of this fiasco with a slightly fatter wallet. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Duke – and I pledge to you that is shall not happen again. Only two questions remain however: Will it live up to the hype? Probably not. Does any fan of Duke Nukem in existence care that it almost certainly won’t? Not a damn bit. Thank you, Gearbox. Thank you, and excelsior to you, Duke!


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4 responses to “The Duke is Back!”

  1. Mark P avatar

    I think I just squee’d. EXCITE.

  2. Simon avatar
    Simon

    The sense of humour is definitely still intact based on the footage I’ve seen.

  3. Albull avatar
    Albull

    Must. Resist. Urge. To be. Cynical…

    Question: Are the 12 year old pre-order slips still valid?

  4. Duncan avatar

    @Albull – They’re trying to honour as many as they can, yes! 😀

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