Plato-nic Hate

NOT a noted Greek philosopher

I hate Plato. I really do. Not Pluto, you understand? Everyone hates Pluto; he’s like Goofy with fewer brains. But no; Plato. You know, 5th Century BC, head-full-of-brains, wrote a lot of stuff about some things he kinda thought of, Plato. I hate him. I really hate him.

Now, it’s not the first time I’ve hated a philosopher. I had a pretty bad falling out with Thomas Aquinas once where I accused him of having circular logic. And Confucius and me just don’t see eye to eye, what with all that ‘maintain the status quo’ and ‘don’t rock the boat’ stuff. I mean, Quo? Really?! Sure, everyone likes to rock all over the world from time to time, but their best days are behind them, do they really need to be “maintained”?

Confucius was a big fan

But then, this isn’t the cool intellectual hatred of opposing philosophical viewpoints. Oh no. With Plato it’s the red-hot hatred you feel for someone who has done you wrong and continues to do so. With Plato it’s personal.

So, why the animosity, I hear you ask? Well, mostly it comes down to one thing… I can’t find him. Anywhere. And I’ve looked. For years.

You see, there are forty-five “Great People” to be attracted to your Civilization in Sid Meier’s Civilization Revolution (or Civ Rev to us happy addicts who play it). And there is an achievement worth 45G for, over the course of all your games, having each “Great Person” join one of your civilizations. In real terms, that makes Plato worth 1G. One. A single, solitary Gamerpoint. Barely noticeable. Worth a smidgeon of effort perhaps, but no more than that. But what happens if he’s holding the other 44G hostage until he’s found? And what if that last achievement is the only one you’re missing

Plato's head on a stick

from an oh-so-rare (for me) perfect 1,000G score?! I so hate Plato.

But who knows, maybe I haven’t really looked? I’ll let you be the judge. Here comes the science bit; a game routinely lasts around five or six hours, though it can be much longer. There are 16 different civilizations to master, and there are five different difficulty settings (all the way up to the truly fearsome Deity setting). So, five or six hours x 16 civs x 5 settings + all the times I didn’t even win a particular game + some occasional online matches… it all adds up to about a squillion hours, in the more than two years I’ve been playing since it came out and, guess what folks, I am short exactly one noted Classical Greek philosopher!

So, where the hell is he?! If he was this hard to find when he was alive, then he’d never have learned a thing from Socrates, or taught a thing to Aristotle, and then where would we all be? We’d all be un-reconstructed Monarchists most likely! I mean sure, his bio talks about how he helped to “lay the foundations of Western philosophy and science”, yet they make no mention at all of the fact that he’s also a World Heavyweight Champion at Hide ‘n’ Seek! Maybe he’s pulling a sicky, like he was when they topped Socrates? But wherever he is, I have to find him. I feel like Ahab with his whale, it’s become an obsession. In fact, the only thing that would be worse than never finding Plato, would be if they never made Civ Rev 2. Come on Sid, you know you want to.







One response to “Plato-nic Hate”

  1. Michael avatar

    I never got the link between Confucius and the ‘Quo before! I know they’ve been around a long time and all but really?! Yeesh. And ugh, Aquinas… bet he wouldn’t have gone on quite so much if he’d met Blair.

    Is the game much of a grind?

    Lastly… “yet they make no mention at all of the fact that he’s also a World Heavyweight Champion at Hide ‘n’ Seek!”

    Maybe he was very good at hiding the fact? BA. DUM. TISH. *makes like a tree (in a forest with no-one in it) and leaves*

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