If Video Games Didn’t Exist

Everyone seems to blame computer games for all the ills in society.  People are fat because of video games.  People are violent because of video games.  They don’t read, socialise or get enough vitamin D because of video games.  If the bankers weren’t such obvious douchebags, the last economic crisis would probably have been blamed on video games.  In fact, give it a couple of months and someone will probably blame the credit crunch on ‘Super Mario Brothers’.  They never consider the other side of the argument, do they?  They never think what the world would be like without video games.

Causing the destruction of the earth since 1982
Causing the destruction of the earth since 1982

It would be like the late sixties and early seventies, otherwise known as the most boring decades in human history.  People took a lot of drugs and had sex because there wasn’t anything else to do.  So without video games we would have probably starved as a species with the excess population, or we would all have been killed off by drugs and sexually related disease – so yay video games!

There is the argument that video games make people more violent, but since we’ve been able to work out our fears and frustrations of a Russian invasion in ‘Modern Warfare 2’ how many Russian invasions of America have there been?  None – all thanks to video games!  And what about all the people who would be jumping on the top of turtles if there was no Mario to get that urge out of their system – think of all the shelled amphibians that video games save! Even Sonic helped people to think about the poor little  hedgehogs – there would be a lot more road kill without the blue blur.

People would have to use all their genius ideas on how to make weapons to kill and main people in real life.  Although having guns with chainsaws on the front of them would be awesome in real life, they probably cause a lot less actual damage in ‘Gears of War’. And think of all those horrible zombies and boss characters in the ‘Resident Evil’ games – what horrors would the Capcom team have placed upon the world if they didn’t have the Resi games to pour their evil into?
Guns only look this cool because of video games!
Guns only look this cool because of Video Games!

If video games didn’t exist, what would kids do?  At the moment the media would have you believe the majority of kids are obese and trapped in their little houses, held captive by the hypnotic power of flickering game images.  If there were no video games, they would be fit, playing outside – and able to roam the country forming their own private militias – killing anyone over the age of thirty!  If we didn’t have video games, we’d all be living in a ‘Logan’s Run’ style universe.  Video games were probably invented by a time traveller to stop the mobilisation of teenagers that would later destroy the world!

It’s also an absolute fact that we would become boring without video games, we might have become librarians… and badminton players!  We might have even done well at our A-Levels, Mario forbid!  And the video games industry earns billions each year! After asking my fellow work chums at NaturalMotion it seems that if video games didn’t exist, not only would we be not working at NaturalMotion, we wouldn’t be spending money on Red Bull and Haribo.  The entire energy drink and gummy sweet industries may collapse without our support!  Without us to bring in the extra industry, entire economies may crumble and fall – that, and Japan would be a much less fun place to visit! And what would people make plushies of without video games?  A cuddly Simon Cowell? Ant and Dec?  Not anything like as cool as my plushy Chocobos or Ulala!
A fundamental part of everyday working life.
A fundamental part of everyday working life.

Without video games I wouldn’t be writing this blog and inflicting humour and gaming oddities upon the world.  I wouldn’t be wearing my space invaders top, because it wouldn’t exist – so I would be topless, and suffering from tit freeze.  Instead of writing blogs and making worlds in video games, I would probably be taking over the world and making everyone my slaves with my highly evolved steampunk technology! With my band of highly trained monkey ninjas I would enslave the entire planet, forcing them to fight each other for my amusement because I didn’t have ‘Virtua Fighter 5’ and moving around massive stone blocks in a pyramid scale version of ‘Tetris!’ That’s until I invent the pocket version using ants and stuck together sugar cubes which they are trained to eat when they form a solid line!

What real life could have been! It's a good thing we have Fallout 3!
What real life could have been! It's a good thing you lot have Fallout 3!

See! Isn’t a world with those user interactive audio visual entertainment we call video games much safer?  Well, it is for you… parallel dimension slaves!







5 responses to “If Video Games Didn’t Exist”

  1. Markatansky avatar

    To think that if I hadn’t been a gamer, I could have been a pimp. :S

  2. The Rook avatar
    The Rook

    Video games saved me recently. If it weren’t for the distraction of video games, I would have sat and consumed an entire big bag of Haribo in one sitting. Thankfully as I found something to play the Haribo was sustained for a longer period. Which was a good thing as I only had one big bag of big Buttons in reserve. Mmmmm Buttons.

  3. Barry avatar

    If there was no videogames, I’d have already taken over the universe before you even thought about world domination :p

    And everything would be Blue

  4. Markatansky avatar

    Everything Blue? I hate their songs. :<

  5. Barry avatar

    My national anthem, just to spite Markatansky :p

    “System up with the top down
    Got the city on lockdown
    Drive by in the low ride
    Hands high when we fly by”

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