The Cynic’s Guide To: Video Game Titles

Hello and welcome to The Cynic’s Guide here on Ready Up, where our resident cynic, Tony, will be taking you through this week’s topic, being Video Game Titles.

Title: Well Known Game 2

After the roaring success of the first Well Known Game, the developers can literally smell the disposable income of the millions of you screaming fans out there crying out for a sequel. And you’ll get one. It’ll be much the same as the original, but polished up with a lighting engine that looks 0.1% more shiny, and can display up to a massive 0.2 extra enemies on screen at once. The existing character will probably be either slightly more muscular than before, or in the case of female characters, gone up a cup size and now revealing up to 20% more flesh. It’ll feature two new guns/hats, and will score 90% or more in every magazine.

Title: Well Known Game HD

Well Known Game was popular in the eighties, and those wizards at PSN or XBLA know that. You’ve already bought it four times for different consoles and home computers through the ages. They’ve spent ten minutes farting out a new high definition loading screen, and (if you’re lucky) cobbling on an unnecessary online multiplayer mode, and you’ll be (virtually) falling over yourselves to spend your pounds and points for a graphically polished up version of a game that was successful even when the visuals looked like they’d been vomited onto your TV.

Buy now!
Buy now!

Title: Unknown Game

Unknown Game is a gamble. It might be brilliant. It might be rubbish. But be warned, either way there is a very strong chance that you may be exposed to new ideas and gameplay concepts. If I were you, I’d just opt for Well Known Game 2 instead, unless of course, Unknown Game has a massive picture of a dude with a gun on the cover and a sticker saying: “From the people who brought you Well Known Game.”

Title: Well Known Game: The Expansion (DLC)

Well Known Game came out two weeks ago, and now along comes Well Known Game: The Expansion. It’s basically the other half of the game that the developers of Well Known Game held back for cash flow purposes.

Title: Wii Whatever

Wii Whatever is a classic. You’ll play it once, get bored of having to make spastic hand gestures in order to compete in a pointless and seemingly unlinked series of feeble mini-games, and leave it next to the Wii in a pile of dust. Still, at least you can play it with your Mum (rarely ever a positive for any kind of video gaming experience).

Title: Game Game Lite

Game Game Lite is a game you can play on the move, probably on a mobile phone. Like a crack dealer and/or prostitute, it lures you down a dark alley with the promise of fun and frolics, then cruelly denies you and starts demanding cash just as you were getting into it. It leaves you virtually sobbing and alone, or otherwise with a slightly depleted wallet and sense of guilt.

Title: Well Known Game 4 (or above)

By the time Well Known Game 4 came out, the developers could have shit into a game box and sold it to their captive audience. It won’t matter a toss what this game is actually like, the fans will buy it and then clamour for a sequel. But be warned, sooner or later the developers will almost certainly literally shit into that box.







5 responses to “The Cynic’s Guide To: Video Game Titles”

  1. The Rook avatar
    The Rook

    I enjoy playing well known game two, yes are there some changes, some I prefer from the original well known game, but there are some good advancements too. I’m just glad you didn’t talk about generic game, or clone game, or no effort game, no glitch-filled game.

    And it’s always good to experience new IP game which becomes a success.

    Very inciteful Tony.

  2. Mark Brown avatar
    Mark Brown

    Shockingly good satire – I love “From the people who brought you Well Known Game”, because I’d love to see that slapped on a box, verbatim (bought to you by the makers of some well known game!)

  3. Simon avatar

    I especially like the final line.

  4. Kat avatar

    Well Known Game is coming to XBLA in HD? Eeeek, can’t wait!

  5. Jonny/IV DemonJ avatar
    Jonny/IV DemonJ

    Very accurate as I have just played “shit in a box” its called Sonic Unleashed.

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