Groundhog Day

Warning; the following may contain spoilers for a level in Grand Theft Auto IV – “In Mourning”.

You gotta hand it to the guys at Rockstar Games. I mean really, I love you guys. You build an entire city, fill it full of crazies and moments of incredible beauty; then you hand me the keys and say, “Go play.”

And even that’s not enough. No, then you go and write some of the smartest, funniest and sometimes wildest, characters and dialogue ever to light up the screen and leave me to fall in love.

Well, it’s like this; that I come to the end of Grand Theft Auto IV. It’s been a journey, no doubt about it. And I sit here composing myself, even as I’m amazed at how a game known for its explosions and chaos has managed to bring me a feeling of grieving. Small maybe, but genuine. The melancholy of something lost… of times shared. It’s been a journey – but now it’s time to finish it.

I’m leaving the apartment as Little Jacob’s text arrives. He’s going to track down some goons for me, so we can follow them to their bosses. He tells me I should get tooled up, so I grab a fast-looking car from a slow-looking driver, and head to a local arms dealer. I turn on the radio.

“Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your booties ’cause it’s cooooold out there today.”

Expecting to need them, I buy body armour and load up with enough guns to shame an 80’s action star. I meet up with Jacob, and we chase the goons he’s found to an old warehouse down by the beach. Jacob talks the whole way. I even understand some of it.

“It’s coooold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?”

All hell breaks loose. They must have forty guys out there, so I send Jacob to find me a way outta here, and then I take my time. Forty guys and a boatload of ammo is no match for good cover, a sniper rifle and patience. But as it turns out, I miss a badguy standin’ behind me as I enter the warehouse. I don’t last long in the crossfire.

“Not hardly. And you know, you can expect hazardous travel later today with that, you know, that, uh, that blizzard thing.”

Ammo, armour, track the villains and snipe my way through the goons outside. I’m careful not to miss any. I head inside and eventually make it through a tough fight. I chase my enemy onto the roof as he gets into a helicopter. I swim for a nearby boat, but I’m not fast enough and he gets away.

[mockingly] “That blizzard – thing. That blizzard – thing. Oh, well, here’s the report! The National Weather Service is calling for a ‘big blizzard thing!’”

How many stages does this mission have?! Ok, third time’s a charm.

“Yessss, they are. But you know, there’s another reason why today is especially exciting.”

Third time, I get blown up. I swear… it’s a contender for cheapest in-game death, ever! I begin to climb into the boat, and get blown up by a rocket before the world’s slowest animation allows me to sit down. This happens many times in the coming months.

“Especially cold!”

The days blend into each other. I’ve done (tried to do) this mission so many times, I know all there is to know. The car chase route, goon positions, ammo and health kit positions… I would know them in my sleep, but it all leads to the same place…

“Especially cold, okay, but the big question on everybody’s lips…”

Happiness Island! The villain legs it while my way is blocked by Liberty City’s finest. They’re heavily armed; I guess protecting tourists is a top priority for a city as dangerous as this one. I take my time and take out the cops methodically, but the villain gets away; I keep up with him, and get cut to pieces by the cops. My best attempt, I make it to the base of the Statue of Happiness. The badguy shoots me himself.

“On their chapped lips…”

Over an hour for each attempt… it’s become a war of attrition and I’m losing. Not cool Rockstar, not cool.

“On their chapped lips, right: Do ya think Phil is gonna come out and see his shadow?”

I’ve been shot, blown up, beaten to death, dropped from a helicopter, driven off the road, burned, stabbed, and once… I swear I was run over by a Swedish family car!

“Punxsutawney Phil!”

… And yet, every day… I wake up, I get the text, I buy the armour, I buy the guns, I meet Jacob, I follow the goons…!

“Thats right, woodchuck-chuckers – it’s GROUNDHOG DAY!”

Why won’t it end?!!

I hate you Rockstar. I hate everything you stand for. In fact, that’s it! I’ve had it! I’m never playing this game again!

Good. Now that’s decided, I can finally get to finishing The Lost and The Damned and The Ballad of Gay Tony, and getting some serious multiplayer going.

I love you Rockstar.