There’s Just An Empty Space

I find myself 360-less for the third time.  I’m not here to complain about the unreliability of the Xbox 360. I, like so many others have done enough of that. It is not the issue I want to address, but in a strange way, I wish it was.

I’m in a strange place with no games. It’s cold and grey and uninhabited. I cannot see even a faint beam of light filtering through the dense monotone fog that silently surrounds me. My only contact with the outside world is full of mocking eyes that peer incredulously upon me as if I have spilled a glass of milk and am pouring out tears because of it. Even though I can feel their scorn it doesn’t quieten me.

My gaming separation has been a trial, a trial I have faced now for three weeks and four days. I’m woefully counting each one. Well aware of the fact that my shooter skills are slipping away from me with each day’s  passing. My desire to level up possibly dampened, by a world where significantly improving oneself takes years of study or training and I fear my puzzle solving ability will become limited, to the point where I struggle to match up a pair of socks.

My passion for gaming is often mistaken for addiction by the nay-sayers but “Nay!” I say. I have dealt with addiction and it feels nothing like this. After the initial withdrawal you don’t actually miss the thing you were addicted to cause it was controlling your life, not making it better. This doesn’t feel like withdrawal, it feels like loss.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, the five stages allegedly dealt with when coping with grief and tragedy. I have felt four of these things in the last twenty five days but I refuse to be beaten into acceptance. I’m squirreling away the pennies between buying nappies, school shoes and Coco Pops but staying optimistic is becoming a struggle. I’m not my full self, part of me is missing. I think it’s KillerChick. She’s become more than just a gamertag to me and she’s fading away into nothingness, neglected and unstimulated.

I’m like a runner with a broken leg, a singer without a voice, a bird without wings. It is in me to play, to compete and to laugh. It is who I am. I am a gamer, I play games.

P.S  I’m jus’ playin’