Picture this, it was 2005 a large black box sat under my telly, it had provided me with hours of entertainment, then I heard there was to be an even better white box!  For months I gathered as much information as I could about the Xbox 360, I stayed up till all hours browsing for any snippets as to what this new machine could do.  All was good.  Come August I stopped smoking and placed a pre-order for the wonder machine, but only on the premise that i didn’t smoke again, to pay for it (still off the fags incidentally).  Come launch day in December I took my 360 home, all was good.

Now during my info gathering months I came across a speech made by someone at Microsoft who was bigging up the 360 when he told of this wondrous new feature User Created Content, UCC.  With UCC apparently you could design a new pair of trainers, a t-shirt, logos etc and you could then sell them on to other 360 users for them to use in game and for you to make some handy MS points.  Being slightly arty I thought this sounded brilliant, I could knock out some quick designs and make some points out of it.  All was good.

Here we are now more than two years after the 360 launched and my UCC is entirely non-existent.  Yup, it never really transpired.  Well I say never really but it would be unfair to dismiss Forzas’ editing system and the auction house, but it was all in game money not the much coveted MS points.  What went wrong?  I guess that developers either couldn’t or wouldn’t include it in their games, a great shame really ’cause it would have funded my arcade habit.  All was less than impressive.

Now look at the Wii, the Mii contest channel and even everybody votes is a step in the right direction.  The Miis’ especially are UCC at its’ most basic but oh so addictive level.  So far my greatest rank is level 9.  So come on Mr Gates, get the UCC project back online.  Oh wait a minute, if people earned MS points through stuff they created Microsoft wouldn’t rake in as much money!  The penny finally drops!  All is a bit shitty.

So on February 10th Professor Layton and the Curious Village was due out in all of its glory in both the US and the UK. It was in all the shops bright and early in the US, but I think someone forgot to send the boxes to the UK. For not a single shop had a clue about Professor Layton and his puzzle solving ways or when he would be joining us even.

It’s unfortunate, but this isn’t an isolated scenario. Fine, they need to delay the release to the EU for whatever stupid reason, I get that. But if they’re going to give us a date they could at least stick to it. Especially if the game has already been released in the US. So often the EU is the red headed step child of game releases and it’s just infuriating.

If you know you’re going to release the game in the EU then be prepared for it and don’t screw us around. In situations like this we only end up importing it from the US because we have no clues to when we’ll finally get a release.

Have you ever played a game that you just don’t understand. In the slightest. At all.

I’ve got a couple of games rental lists online, and I’ve basically stuck the entire 360 catalogue (and a few Wii ones as well) on them, sifted out the sports titles, and then let luck (and the postman) deliver games through my door.

I’ve pretty much been able to understand every game up to now. You don’t get instructions, but usually you’re given some kind of tutorial and all becomes clear. Then there are some that are not exactly rocket science (Cars, for example, which I played while everyone else was on Burnout. How hardcore am I?). And then one comes along which is just, well, plain ol’ weird.

Kengo Zero hit the doormat the other day. I knew it was coming, and had read various reviews ranging from “dreadful” to “crap”. I must admit, they’re pretty spot on. It seems that the Japanese have an unhealthy fascination with people wearing wooden shoes and dressing gowns whilst waving great big swords around. Maybe the British games industry is missing a trick and we need a load of fairly similar games about the English Civil War.

Anyway, the game comes with no explanations whatsoever. The stories of the various characters are weird – they just seem to be roaming Japan when they stumble across various fights, then end up on a boat (where they have a fight), then fight a man with a glowing face.

The piece de resistance came last night, however, when I was scanning the achievements. There is one called “Five Man Contest” where you have to win the, erm, Five Man Contest. Beat five opponents and the 25 Gamerpoints are yours. I thought I’d give it a crack, expecting it to take a while as the AI goes from mouth-breather to Stephen Hawking (but obviously with someone else using the joypad) seemingly at random.

So I started the contest and came out, sword swinging. I thought “hey, I’m doing ok here” as my first opponent fell… and then I realised something… it was actually playing itself. I wasn’t controlling a thing. At no point anywhere in the contest set-up did the game imply I wouldn’t be playing, and yet there I was… not playing. Not playing but 25 points better off. Aside from the “Press Start” achievement in the Simpsons, the easiest achievement ever!

Now if only I could find a way for the rest of the game to play itself…